Look Ma! I'm A Big Kid Now!!!

I am, quite frankly, a BIG GIRL! Not a "pull-ups" big kid either, just a BIG GIRL! I don’t recall ever being small, although old photos bear witness to the fact that I was indeed a quite normal size. Yet somehow in my mind I was convinced I was overweight...which led to my eating more (odd how that happens "I'm fat, better eat more! Wouldn't want to lose this girlish figure!" )

Regardless, I ate. And then I started having babies which led to the "YAY! Eating for two!" Thought process. Very sane, I assure you!

It was a nightmare rollercoaster. Eat more, get bigger, become depressed because I'm fat, eat more. UGH!!!!!

In February of 2002 my doctor recommended surgery, which I declined. Partly because I was moving to Japan , where I would not have the resources to correct anything that might go wrong long term, and partly because I honestly was convinced I could lose the weight on my own. (silly, silly me!)

I did indeed lose some weight overseas. I was active. Not marathon active, but I got out during the day and lived my life. I certainly didn't shed buckets of fat, but I lost a few pounds and felt tons better.

Then in the summer of 2006 I decided to make my move! I paid for a personal trainer and began my weight-loss regimen. Up at O'dark 30 for an hour workout with my trainer (hard core, I might add, he was a former marine!), followed by an hour of cardio at the gym, and then an hour of weight training in the afternoon. All this along with eating low calorie foods every 3 hours and the pounds FLEW off!!!! But who has 3 hours a day to commit to the gym?

That lasted 3 months, at which point I thought I would die from the intensity of it all, so I quit. Not slowed down, not backed off, QUIT!

Wrong, wrong move. For a while my weight stayed off (a while being 2 months) and then it began to sneak back. a little here, a little there. "No reason to turn down that mega plate of curry and rice!", "What's that? A binge fest at the garlic restaurant? Count me in!" And before I knew it I had packed every single pound back on

I felt horrible! Not just emotionally, but physically. Never had I realized the effects of carrying around all these extra pounds! I longed for the freedom of all that lost energy! Of being able to play football and baseball with my kids! Of living my LIFE! And I missed it, so when I moved back to the states in July of 07 I decided to sit down and have a heart to heart with my doctor.

She told me that I most certainly qualified for surgery (as evidenced by my HUGE ASS!!!!) So I went to see the surgeon in December and he started me on what this hospital calls "The Pathway", a series of classes to prepare one for life AFTER surgery.

I finished my pathway in January and then had my psychological evaluation in February (somehow I fooled them into thinking I was sane!). And NOW I finally have an appointment to schedule laparoscopic gastric bypass surgery! March 25th I should know a bit more.

Meanwhile I am working on convincing myself that I don't have to eat everything in sight. It isn’t as if I'll NEVER be able to eat again. It's a difficult hurdle to pass I assure you, but I'm trying!

I pray that I have learned from past failures. I am thankful for all the support of family and friends. And I very much look forward to living my life to the very fullest!

Oh...and most certainly to saying good-bye to my BIG GIRL status!